Lucky Duck

Friday, January 06, 2006


Wow, I am feeling so much better these days. Well not physically cause I've got some kinda sinus/cold funk. But emotionally I am SO much better. I don't really know how to explain it because I don't know what happened I just know I'm better. Christmas was good, family was awesome.

New Year's Eve was not so fun. I got all dressed up and looked awesome if I do say so myself. Bitch #1, Awesome Guy, Friend, and I went to dinner at Cheesecake Factory. That was ok until these two other girls that I'm not too fond of showed up. And Awesome Guy said it's obvious when I'm around girls I don't like because I get very quiet so apparently I didn't do a lot of talking during dinner. I really don't have any reason to dislike these girls. One of them is pretty nice actually, we've hung out a couple of times. And I've come to the conclusion that it's not that I dislike the other one it's that I'm jealous of her. And although it's hard to see it sometimes there is a difference between hate and jealousy. I'm jealous of her because Friend wants her. She is to him what he is to me. Something you want but you'll never have. I'm so not in that place of "wanting him" anymore but sometimes it's still hard to see how much he likes her. She's leading him on and on. I think this is what keeps him excited. I suppose as humans we're all about the hunt, the chase. Anyway, I ended up getting intoxicated and spending the countdown to midnight locked in a bathroom stall just wishing it would be over already. We left soon there after and as soon as we got in the car the tears started flowing. I'm not sure why I was crying although I'm pretty sure it was the couple of shots of Petrone I had earlier in the evening. Tequila always does that to me, looks like I would learn my lesson!

As cheesy as it sounds though I feel like I washed something away with those tears. It's like I realized at midnight how unhappy I was with the whole previous year and the way my life was going and I hated it and myself. But the next morning it felt like I woke up with a clear head. I'm taking on the philosophy "Let Go" for this new year. I've held on to so much shit that does nothing but bring me pain and sadness and I'm tired of it. So I'm letting it go. In fact I saw the girl that Friend wants so badly out last night and I was so sweet to her I swear there was sugar dripping off my tongue. I mean, there is absolutely no reason for me to hate her or be jealous of her. He wants her not me: that's not her fault, that's not my fault, and it's not his fault it just is so I have to LET GO. I hope that this feeling will last. I know me and I know I'll have mood swings I just hope I'll be able to stay focused on changing the things in my life that bring me down.